i want to hear those three words.
i really do...and this surprises me.
so new.

I'm feeling so restless...

I start work on Monday and I feel like the clock is counting down. It's kind of like that feeling of dread at the end of summer when you're about to start classes. Even the interviewer told me to "enjoy my last weekend of freedom." I don't know what to do... do I try to enjoy myself or try to get all my things together/figure out my lunches/outfits for the next few days? I can't even hang with J because he needs to study for his exam.

The early hours are going to be so hard to get used to, but I need an early shift to beat the LA traffic. Sitting in an hour+ of traffic would be worse, but I hate getting up hours before the sun rises. Ugh, I'm dreading winter. I hate winter mornings...it's so hard to leave the comforts of a warm bed, it's nighttime dark outside in the mornings, my car windows are covered in dew or frost and my defroster takes ages to work, plus there's fog in the morning (this is what freaks me out the most, a craptacular driver on the 405 freeway in fog?!), add rain to that and I'll be one very grumpy commuter. I suppose I'll get used to it eventually.
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A few pictures of food I've made in the past few months...

Lemon cake.


Pasta and salad. Lunch one day.


Homemade Granola. Made this the night before a picnic, it went great on top of fruit and yogurt.


Red Potato and Green Bean Salad. More picnic food, these were yummy.

Job Interview

This afternoon.
I'm a nervous wreck.


Update: interview was actually ok!! i actually am pretty good at interviews! omg! but i didnt get it... aww. :/

YES, I really am that old. NO, I'm not lying to you.

So I'm at the park around 8pm last week, just hanging out with my bf after kicking a soccer ball around for a while when a cop car suddenly pulls up next to us. There are two cops, only the driver is visible though, the other guy's face is hidden in shadows. They have their window down and they don't say anything at first so I say "hello." They want to know if we've seen a guy in a white t-shirt come by. I tell them some kids ran by a few minutes ago and I think one of them may have been wearing white.

Then the guy proceeds to ask how old we are. I really hate this question so I don't answer it right away, I mean, what does he care anyway? But he seems to be expecting an answer so I tell him, "24." He replies back with, "Are you lying to me? Because you don't look 24, you look more like 15." Now I hear the whole you-don't-look-(insert whatever age I am)! thing all the time, and depending on the person who tells me this I either get annoyed or just laugh it off. I figured it wouldn't be a good idea to do the annoyed bit with the cop, so I just laugh and say, "no really, I am. I get that all the time though! But I could show you my ID, it's in the car."

He ignores me and asks my bf's age and then asks us if we have ever been arrested before. "No," we say, and I am getting more and more insulted by the minute but trying hard not to show it. Instead I ask them if what is going on and whether or not we should leave the area/if it's unsafe. He just drives away with a "be safe" though. Ugh.

I'll be 25 next month and people think I'm 15. Haha, he probably thought my bf was a pedophile, because unlike myself, he does look his age. I guess it really didn't help that I had my hair back in a ponytail and was wearing a t-shirt with a mermaid and a scuba diver on it. It's a threadless t-shirt and I swear it's not as lame as it sounds! :[ Ha.

But yeah, I get this age thing ALL the time. I got this today at the dentist! I get it at concerts, and, ugh, I got hit on my some middle school kids when I was like 20! I just feel like I don't get taken seriously because people think I'm still a teenager. It's annoying, but I know it's better than the alternative so I guess I'll look on the bright side and wait for the day when I'm 40 and still passing for late 20s to 30. Whoo.

Whoo!

So, the first meeting went well. We actually didn't meet the day we were supposed to meet because he got stuck in traffic! So I waited around anxiously all day for nothing!! When we finally met [way early the next day] I didn't even have any time for the nerves to build, I just got ready and took off! The work I have to do is pretty easy and I get to hang around equestrian centers and noisy birds all day. I've actually got some scouting to do... I need a couple of back up sites in case things don't go as planned at the sites we have already chosen.

Here's one of the birds we're hoping to attract:


It's a Great- Tailed Grackle. Picture courtesy of Google Images, hopefully I can take some decent pictures of my own soon.

I'm so nervous!

Tomorrow afternoon I am going to meet with the senior director of the research project I'm going to be working on. It's my first time meeting him! He sounded nice over the phone, and maybe slightly awkward? At least I hope he is slightly awkward, because that tends to put me at ease. He's coming down tomorrow and we're supposed to check out all of our research sites. I really hope he'll drive... I don't like driving with people I don't know well and driving to places I've never driven to doesn't make it any better!

I tend to freak myself out when it comes to new situations, I know that is normal, but I think that it's a lot worse than what your "average" person goes through. I hate that. I must think of questions to ask and general conversation for the drives to all our spots. Awkward car silences are not fun...

Is it dumb that I'm worried about what to wear when I've already got the internship? WHY DON'T I HAVE MORE GROWN UP CLOTHES?! What should I do with my blah hair? Pony tail will keep it out of my face and off my neck (I think it will be warm out tomorrow), but will I look too little kid-like? Stupid, I know, but when it comes to professional settings, I always think people will think I can't do things based on how I look: teenie-tiny, young-looking girl. I must peruse my closet now.

I don't...
want to mess things up.
want to settle.
want to care so much about what others think.
know what I want.